David's joke

David’s joke

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave.  God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy”

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims “Miles, from Dublin”.

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David's joke

David’s joke

George was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage. George opened the front door to go to the garage but saw silhouettes through the garage window!  There were people in his garage! Burglars!

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. The policeman on the phone explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when possible.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. In five minutes, three police cars and an ambulance arrived in front of his house. Of course, the police caught the burglars.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said that everyone was busy!”

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David's joke

David’s joke

A man and woman are asleep in bed when someone knocks on the door. The man, David, opens his eyes and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and closes his eyes.

Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

The man gets out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It is clear that the visitor is drunk.

“Hi there,” says the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, go away ! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he closes the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

“David, that wasn’t very nice of you,” she says. “Do you remember that night when our car broke down in the countryside, and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? He was kind and he helped us.”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and you need to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, but he cannot see the stranger anywhere. He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

“Where are you?” shouts David.

“I’m over here in your garden,” the stranger replies, “on your swing.” (balançoire)

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crosswordYes, English people love to talk about the weather.

And as you know, we have a lot of rain and a lot of words for rain. As they say in my village :

“When you look out of your window and you can see the big tree in the middle of the field, that means it’s going to rain.”

“And if you can’t se the tree, it means it’s already raining.”

  • It’s raining
  • It’s spitting
  • There’s a little drizzle
  • It’s pouring out of the heavens
  • It’s a cloudburst
  • It’s raining cats and dogs !

Try this crossword to check your weather vocabulary.

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David's joke

David’s joke

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical factory and exploded into flames.  The alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments in the nearby towns.

When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that puts the fire out.”

The fire chief ordered his men to attack the fire but after two hours of fighting the fire, nothing had changed. The fire was getting bigger and bigger. Another fire department arrived and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could put out the fire. After another hours, the fire was still burning, and it seemed even bigger.

Suddenly, in the distance, they saw an old fire truck rushing towards the fire. It was another local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old men jumped out of their truck and began to fight the fire like heroes, jumping up and down on the flames. In a short time, the old men had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The chemical company president announced that for such a fantastic job, he was increasing the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, old fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed to speak to the old men and asked, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we are going to do …  is buy some new brakes for our truck.”

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David's joke

David’s joke

Steven Spielberg had an original idea. He decided to make an action film about classical composers. He contacted 3 action heroes to play the different parts.
He said to Bruce Willis: “Hey Bruce! Which composer do you want to play?”
Bruce said: “I love Mozart. Can I play Mozart?”
“Yeah! Sure!” said Spielberg. “And you, Stallone. Who do you want to play?”
Stallone said: “I love Beethoven. I would love to play Beethoven in this film. Is that OK?”
“That’s fine.” said Spielberg. “And you, Arnold. Who would you like to be in the film?”
Schwarzenegger thought for a few moments, and then he said :
“I’ll be Bach!”

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David's joke

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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the correct pronunciation. They argued and argued, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

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